How true .... All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge" said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes. "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the one in charge. The Moral of the story? The boss is an arsehole.



Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was move by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long a he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year t figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, h would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man,and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb, underneath it all, she's still a witch.



A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in series of small fires". The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason; that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be, "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires". HERE COMES THE BEST PART!! After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.



SCENE:A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree, but I haven't got the energy" sighed the pheasant. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They’re full of nutrients” replied the bull. The pheasant pecked at them and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating more, he reached the second branch, and so on. Finally after a fortnight, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Then he was spotted by a farmer who promptly shot the pheasant with his shotgun. The moral of the story: BULLSHIT MIGHT GET YOU TO THE TOP, BUT IT WON'T KEEP YOU THERE!



SCENE: A man is in a hot-air balloon and is lost, he sees a person in the field below, he descends until he can talk to the person. "Can you tell me where I am?" "You are in a hot-air balloon hovering above this field" "You must work in information technology" “I do but how do you know?" "Because everything you say is correct but it's no use to anybody." "Well you must work in business then. " “I do but how do you know?" "Because you don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going but you want my help you're in the same position you were before we met but now it's my fault."



Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.



The minutes of a board meeting of a large multinational show the meeting lasted three hours. A quarter of an hour was spent deciding to spend $200 million on new plant the rest of the time was spent choosing the colour of the executive washroom.



Two tigers escape from the zoo. After a few days they are starving so they decide to hunt some food. The older, wiser tiger volunteers to hunt first. Next day the old tiger patiently waits by the factory gate and carries off the late arriver at 10.30. Both tigers eat well. The young tiger is impressed by this and so keen to show his mettle that he rises at dawn and carries off the first person to arrive at the factory. After this a huge search party is out hunting the tigers. Whilst hiding from the angry townsfolk, the young tiger says "When you brought home dinner we never had this trouble" "Thats because I killed the managing director but you killed the tealady"



SCENE: A princess goes to the king, her father, to tell him that she has fallen in love and wants to get married. The king is not pleased at this news and tells his daughter to meet him on the ornamental bridge at noon to hear his decision. "I have decided that we shall sort this problem out by drawing lots" he holds aloft a bag containing two balls. "If you pick the white ball you may marry the man of your choice" The princess knows that her father is a man who will not allow himself to the defeated and there are two black balls in the bag. With an air of resignation she takes a ball from the bag, before it can be seen she allows it to slip from her grasp and fall into the water. "Oh what a shame!" she says with fake dismay, "but never mind, we will check the remaining ball, IT MUST BE THE OPPOSITE COLOUR TO THE ONE THAT I CHOSE."



The unorthodox swallow Beyond the mists of time a swallow decided not to fly south with the other swallows, he was happy where he was. As the weather became colder he realised his mistake and set forth on his journey south and the warmth. As he flew he became colder and colder until he became frozen solid and fell to earth. He lay in his frozen state unable to move. The sky darkened as a cow stood over him and quite oblivious of the swallow shit on him. Slowly the warmth of the shit thawed him out and he started to sing with happiness, unfortunately this drew the attention of a large tomcat who promptly took the swallow away and killed it. The morals of this tale are The one that shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. The one that gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend. If you are warm and happy in the shit keep quiet.



A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leans out of the window and asks the shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "Sure." The yuppie parks the car, and fires up his GPS satellite navigation system. Once he knows his exact position, he whips out his laptop, connects it to a cell-phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet access satellite surveillance data. He downloads the latest photo of the area, feeds the digital data into a database, and pops up some 60 J.Excel spreadsheets full of complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep in your flock!" The shepherd nods. "That's correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep" He then watches the young man make his selection and bundle it in the Cherokee. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?" "Why not?" answers the young man. "You are a consultant" says the shepherd. "That's right," says the yuppie, "How did you manage to guess that?" "Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know ***** about my business because you just took my dog."



Scene: Deep in the jungle in darkest Africa two tribes are constantly at war fighting over a large wooden chair they stole from a missionary. This chair is used as a throne by the victorious tribe. A new chief in one of the tribes decides to put an end to this constant fighting, he builds a special storage space in the roof of his hut so the throne can be hidden away and only brought out on state occasions. The plan works well, the next time they capture the throne it is hidden in the special space. Unfortunately the ceiling is not strong enough to bear the weight of the throne and it falls through the ceiling and kills the King in his bed. The moral to this sad tale is PEOPLE IN GRASS HOUSES SHOULDN’T STOW THRONES



Italian Tomato Garden An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the garden area for me. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.



Retirement Dinner A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'... Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.' Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!



I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said," I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.



A good looking, man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forebears by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice .... Sincerely, Dick van Dyke


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