John Wayne


John Wayne rides into town, ties his horse outside a saloon and goes in.  After a drink he leaves only to find that his horse has been stolen.  John announces a fearsome threat "I`m going back to the saloon and if my horse ain`t here after I`ve had three whiskeys I`m gonna do what I did in Carson City"


After the first whiskey people in the saloon get nervous; what?did he do in Carson City????   nobody knew-but they had all seen his films-IT MUST HAVE BEEN AWFUL.  After the second whiskey the saloon was empty.  After the third Big John walks out into the sunlight, the street is deserted save for his horse.  John Wayne mounts up and slowly rides out of town.  As he leaves one brave man comes forward to ask the question that the townsfolk need the answer to----


"Excuse me Mr Wayne, we must know, what did you do in Carson City?"


"I had to get the bleeding bus"




John Wayne rides into town, ties his horse outside a saloon, dismounts, lifts the horse`s tail and kisses its arse. "Well I can see you really love your horse Mr Wayne" "Not so old timer, I`ve got chapped lips" "Does that cure them them??" "Dunnno but it stops me from licking them"



A cowboy is playing the piano in a crowded saloon when a young gunslinger comes in and draws his guns. He shoots the bottom key then shoots away the top key finally being totally flash he put two shots between the pianist`s hands. An old timer moves over to the young gun and says "Thats really fancy shooting son,but if I was you I`d file off the sights off and make em real smooth then I`d cut off the trigger guard and most of all I`d dip em in that barrel of axle grease at the Livery stable" "WHY, will it make me faster?" "No but that`s John Wayne on the piano and when he comes off he`s gonna shove them guns up your arse"


 At the end of a sex lesson, teacher asks the kids for examples of sex to show they`ve understood. Sally: "I`ve seen one dog on another, is that sex Miss?" Teacher: "Yes, I`m sure" Susie: "I`ve seen one cat on another, is that sex Miss?" Teacher: "Yes, I`m sure" Johnnie: "I`ve seen two indians on John Wayne, is that sex Miss?" Teacher: "No,it takes more than two indians to fuck John Wayne"



Scene:- Trading post in the wild west An apache indian enters and wants to buy some toilet paper. The trading post owner tells him there are three types:- The sooper-dooper, very long very soft a dollar a roll. The sooper, not so long not so soft a dollar for two rolls. Some unnamed stuff at six rolls for a dollar, which the indian buys. Next day the indian returns and says “You know that toilet paper you`ve got that ain`t got a name” “Yea, what about it” “We have a name for it now, in our tribe we call it John Wayne” “Why?” “Because its long and hard and takes no shit from indians


 SCENE:- 0utside the saloon in Deadwood John Wayne is cleaning his gun, when an admiring fan who has been watching him plucks up the courage and says: “That`s a mighty fine gun you have there, I`ll bet it`s seen a lot of action, you being such a tough lawman” “Sure has, I`ve shot four white men, six injuns and three mexicans with this here gun” “But you`ve twenty-five notches in the gun handle” “Sure I have, you get bonus notches with mexicans


SCENE: John Wayne is captured by Indians, luckily the chief is someone he met in a previous film, he is granted a last request before they kill him. John goes over to his horse and whispers into its ear. The horse gallops off and returns a few hours later with a beautiful saloon girl. John takes her into a teepee and gives her a good seeing to for a few hours. John emerges from the teepee and calls the chief and manages to negotiate another 'last request' as long as the chief gets another film role. John goes over to his horse again. "Now listen carefully this time, I said POSSE."





John Wayne and his sidekick are about make camp for the night, John says "and old Indian told me that there is a bacon tree out ahead so you go and collect the bacon in and I will make the fire." About 30 minutes later his sidekick comes galloping with arrows in his hat. "I think you need more Apache lessons, that wasn't a bacon tree it was a ham bush."