Wayne rides into town, ties his horse outside a saloon and goes in. After a drink he leaves only to find that
his horse has been stolen. John
announces a fearsome threat "I`m going back to the saloon and if my
horse ain`t here after I`ve had three whiskeys I`m gonna do what I did in
the first whiskey people in the saloon get nervous; what?did he do in
me Mr Wayne, we must know, what did you do in
"I had to get the bleeding bus"
John Wayne rides into
town, ties his horse outside a saloon, dismounts, lifts the horse`s tail and
kisses its arse. "Well I can see you really
love your horse Mr Wayne" "Not so old
timer, I`ve got chapped lips" "Does that cure them them??" "Dunnno but
it stops me from licking them"
A cowboy is playing the
piano in a crowded saloon when a young gunslinger comes in and draws his
guns. He shoots the bottom key then shoots away the top key finally being
totally flash he put two shots between the pianist`s hands. An old timer
moves over to the young gun and says "Thats
really fancy shooting son,but
if I was you I`d file off the sights off and make em
real smooth then I`d cut off the trigger guard and most of all I`d dip em in that barrel of axle grease at the Livery
stable" "WHY, will it make me faster?" "No but that`s
John Wayne on the piano and when he comes off he`s gonna
shove them guns up your arse"
At the end of a sex lesson, teacher asks the
kids for examples of sex to show they`ve understood. Sally: "I`ve seen
one dog on another, is that sex Miss?" Teacher: "Yes, I`m
sure" Susie: "I`ve seen one cat on another, is that sex Miss?"
Teacher: "Yes, I`m sure" Johnnie: "I`ve seen two indians on John Wayne, is that sex Miss?" Teacher:
"No,it takes more than two indians
to fuck John Wayne"
Trading post in the wild west An apache indian
enters and wants to buy some toilet paper. The trading post owner tells him
there are three types:- The sooper-dooper,
very long very soft a dollar a roll. The sooper, not so long not so soft a dollar for two rolls. Some
unnamed stuff at six rolls for a dollar, which the indian
buys. Next day the indian returns and says “You
know that toilet paper you`ve got that ain`t got a
name” “Yea, what about it” “We have a name for it now, in our tribe we call
it John Wayne” “Why?” “Because its long and hard and takes no shit from indians”
SCENE:- 0utside the saloon in Deadwood John
Wayne is cleaning his gun, when an admiring fan who has been watching him
plucks up the courage and says: “That`s a mighty fine gun you have there,
I`ll bet it`s seen a lot of action, you being such a tough lawman” “Sure has,
I`ve shot four white men, six injuns and three mexicans with this here gun” “But you`ve twenty-five
notches in the gun handle” “Sure I have, you get bonus notches with mexicans”
SCENE: John Wayne is
captured by Indians, luckily the chief is someone he met in a previous film, he is granted a last request before they kill him. John
goes over to his horse and whispers into its ear. The horse gallops off and
returns a few hours later with a beautiful saloon girl. John takes her into a
teepee and gives her a good seeing to for a few hours. John emerges from the
teepee and calls the chief and manages to negotiate another 'last request' as
long as the chief gets another film role. John goes over to his horse again.
"Now listen carefully this time, I said POSSE."
John Wayne and his
sidekick are about make camp for the night, John says "and old Indian
told me that there is a bacon tree out ahead so you go and collect the bacon
in and I will make the fire." About 30 minutes later his sidekick comes
galloping with arrows in his hat. "I think you need more Apache lessons,
that wasn't a bacon tree it was a ham bush."