Ideal Holmes?

I must relate a tale of mystery that happened when Dr Watson and I were in Scotland investigating a strange writing.

I was opening my post in Baker Street when I came upon a communication from a friend in Australia, he claimed the contents were an unpublished work by Robert Burns.
Although it had many of the earthy characteristics of Burns work my suspicions were aroused by the fact that it was easily understood.

Dr Watson and I immediately travelled to Scotland to uncover the true origins of this following piece.

 Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie

Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie

Just as ye sit doon among yer kin

There sterts to stir an enormous wind

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas

stert workin like a gentle breeze

but soon the puddin wi the sauncie face

will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae

a'bodys gonnae have tae pay

even if ye try to stifle

It's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair

tae try and stop the leakin air

shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek

Prae tae God it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder 
oot it comes like a clap a thunder 
Ricochets aroon the room

michty me a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks

Hope I huvnae  crap ma breeks

tae the bog I better scurry

aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry 
A'body roon aboot me chokin

wan or two are nearly bokin

I'll feel better for a while

Cannae help but raise a smile
 Wis him ! I shout with accusin glower
alas too late, he's just keeled ower

Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare

A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gan ' free

sounds like just the job fur me

whit a fuss at rabbie's perty

ower the sake o' won wee ferty


  After we had investigated the poem’s origins and found it to be a sham, we decided to take a short camping holiday.

One clear night as we lying in our beds, I looked at the sky and said to Watson,

“What do you see my friend.”

 “Astronomically speaking I see thousands of stars and deduce that there are many more thousands that I cannot see.
Geographically speaking I deduce that my feet are pointing in a southerly direction.
Astrologically speaking I see the moon is in Gemini,
what do you see Holmes?”

 “I see that our tent has disappeared.”


Ralph ‘neeps and tatties’ Edmunds