A retired man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep,and after a whole day his legs became sun burnt beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster coloured legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?" "Unfortunately, not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs." .



A group of Florida senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know.? My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence...... "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully
"Thank God we can all still drive."



An old married couple are sitting in deckchairs on the promenade enjoying their holiday by the sea. As she finishes her ice-cream she wacks her husband across the shins with her walking-stick. "What in heaven was that for?" "50 years of bad sex." The husband rubs his shins better and is quiet for a couple of minutes, then he whacks his wife across the shins with his stick. "What the hell was that for?"
"Knowing the difference."



An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, 'Bang, bang', and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."



An older man goes to the doctors to give a sperm sample, he wishes to leave something of himself for the future. The doctor gives him a bottle and tells him to fill it and bring it back tomorrow. The next day the man brings it back empty. "no luck then?" "well I tried it with my right hand, I tried it with my left, my wife tried with both hands, she even Took her teeth out and tried with her mouth but we couldn't get the lid off.



An elderly lady is polishing her brass lamp, a present from her son in Iran, when a Genie appears: “OOh great mistress of the lamp I must grant three wishes of your choice” “In that case make me young and beautiful” PAFF! She is young and beautiful “Great! Now make me very rich” PAFF! The room is filled with untold wealth “Triffik! For my last wish turn my cat into a handsome prince” PAFF! At that the Genie disappears “I`ll bet thats better than being a cat” “I`ll bet that you wish that I hadn`t been doctored”



A huge banquetting table at a very posh dinner party. A lady breaks wind, the gentleman on her left stands up and bows slightly “I do apologise, please excuse me” Some minutes later the same lady breaks wind again, the gentleman on her right stands up and bows slightly “I do apologise, please excuse me” During the next course the same lady breaks wind a third time, a Texan on the opposite side of the table rises “Hey lady; have this one on me”



SCENE: A lady has two pet monkeys, a male and a female, anyway the girl dies and the boy monkey pines away and dies the next day. The lady wishing to remember her pets takes the bodies to a taxidermist. "They were such good friends and I loved them so much, please stuff them so I can have something to remember them by." "Would you like them mounted?" "No just holding hands"



Scene:- An old man is walking along the road when he sees a frog sitting on a wall. He stops and studies the frog, he is astounded as the frog says: “I am trapped by an evil spell, if you kiss me the spell will break and I will become a beautiful woman and yours forever.” The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. “OOOI! Aren`t you going to kiss me” “No way, at my age I`d rather have a talking frog



SCENE: A seventy year old man goes to his doctor to ask for some viagra. "I know you're fit and healthy but I need some reason why you need it." "Well all I can manage is the 'plumbers method'." "Plumbers method! Whatever is that?" "You know, it's where you stay in all day but nobody comes."



scene: A block of old people's apartments, all of the residents have small screen televisions except Mr Jenkins, a miserable rich old man who has a 42 inch flat screen television. One day Mrs Smith goes and asks the horrible Mr Jenkins if she can watch Sunday's showing of the sound of music on his television. He grudgingly agrees as long as she holds his Willie throughout the film, she reluctantly agrees. A few weeks later Dr Zhivago is on the television, Mrs Smith goes to see Mr Jenkins " Dr Zhivago is on television this Sunday can I watch it on your television, same deal as before." "No, sod off Mrs Brown is coming." "What's she got that I haven't?" "Parkinson's"



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."



An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."



When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover, rather than the big s---t he always was."



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the Captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by, and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster, and in it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall




Scene: A son is visiting his father in an old folks home. This is their first meeting since the old man has gone into the home last week. Well Dad, how is this place? How do you like it?. “You have got to get me out of here” “Why?” -- “I will tell you why: yesterday I woke up just as the nurse was bringing in my breakfast, I had an enormous stiffy and the nurse gave me a wonderful blow-job but later in the day I fell over and the male nurse who picked me up gave me one up the bum” “Well Dad you win some, you lose some its the law of averages” “I will tell you about the law of averages, I fall over about 3 times a day but I only get a stiffy once a week”



Scene:- A lady is left a parrot in an old friend`s will, the only problem is that the parrot keeps saying "I`m a whore" Anyway the vicar visits and before the lady can cover the bird, it screeches out "I`m a whore" "I`m so sorry vicar about the parrot but it wasn`t that in my household" "It`s alright I quite understand but I think I can help: I myself have two parrots that spend all their time saying prayers in fact they both have tiny rosary beads. I suggest that we put your parrot with my two and their goodness should be reciprocated" As the errant parrot is introduced, it screeches "I`m a whore" "It would appear that our prayers have been answered"



A couple, both age 82, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened for several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.



Scene: An old man is laying in bed with his wife of fifty years. “ Have you ever been unfaithful to me in our long married life together.” “Well do you remember when you were just starting the business and you couldn’t get any credit?, then I went to see your suppliers and then you always had all the credit that you wanted.” “‘ That’s alright!, it was for the business.” “Then there was the time that you needed that bank loan and after I went to see the bank-manger you had all the credit that you needed.” “‘ That’s alright!, it was for the business.” A few minutes later we old man asks again “Please tell me, were there any other times?” “Well do you remember when you wanted to the chairman of the golf club, you were 52 votes short.”



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