Text Box: Kids 1



A teacher is before her class and announces that

"tomorrow are your GCSE exam so unless the world is destroyed I expect to see all of you here for your exams."


: A flash young lad at the back of the class pipes out


"What if I am sexually exhausted?"


"Then you will have to write with your other hand."



A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house in the empty lot.


The young family's six-year-old naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, diamonds in the rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. 


The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


 When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."


 "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"


"I will if those useless bastards at the builders yard ever bring the fucking wood," replied the little girl.



Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after

another.  After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,

you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.  It will give you acne,

rot your teeth, make you fat."  Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived

to be 107 years old."  The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars

at a time?"  Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fckin'




A seven year old and a four year old are upstairs in their

bedroom.  "You know what?", says the seven year old, "I think it's about

time we started swearing."  The four year old nods his head in approval.


"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then

you swear after me, ok?"


"Ok, Ok" the four year old agrees with enthusiasm.


The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what

he wants for breakfast.


"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".


WHACK!!  He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen

floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.


She looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And

what do YOU want for breakfast, young man????"


"I don't know", he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops"



SCENE: Kids at school having an English lesson, the teacher asks the class for examples of the word contagious.
"When I had measles I was contagious."

 “Very good Mary”
 "When I had chicken pox, I was contagious."
"Very good Peter."
Alright then Johnny.
"When the man next-door painted the front of his house with an inch brush my dad said ' that'll take the contagious'."



Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.  "I'm going to

report you."  "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.  "Maybe,"

said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"



SCENE: The infant teacher holds up a picture of a horse to the class and asks


"What's this?"


"A Horsey miss." replies one youngster.


"Very good, and what's this?"

"A Piggy" answers another.

"And who can tell me what this is?"

She holds up a picture of a beautiful deer

No replies.

"Ok, I'll give you a little clue.  What does your mummy call your daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"


"I know, I know" exclaims one little girl,

"It's a horny bastard miss!"


A mother took her five-year-old son with her
to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
'Gee, she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in

the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
his hands as far as they would go and announced;

'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off,

and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull,

the large woman reached the front of the line.

Just then, her pager began to emit a
beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out,

'Run for your life, she's backing up!!


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