Text Box: Animals 1

 

 

 

A couple decided to go for a meal & after some deliberation settled for their local Chinese restaurant.

They peruse the menu & finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal,

the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount & she briefly sees two beady little eyes

looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it & again the lid rises,

& he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, & demands an explanation.

'Well sir, says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....

'I've brought you the Peeking duck'

 

 

SCENE: A turtle walks along a branch of a tree, reaches the end and plummets earthwards.  He rights himself and returns, reclimbs the tree, walks along the branch, reaches the end and plummets earthwards.  He repeats this process three times at this point one of the watching birds says to the other.

 

“I really think it’s time that we told him that he is adopted.”

 


 Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
 After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home  with
 no blood.

 The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The  first
 bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

 The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

 After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see
 that wall over there?"

 The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

 Other bat says, "I didn't."

 

 

A Penguin is out driving his car when at the engine starts to lose power, he pulls over to the hard shoulder and phones for help on his mobile.   He is told that it will be an hour until the mechanic arrives at his motor car. As it is a hot day he decides to get an ice-cream and waddles to the nearest shop. Although penguins love ice-cream they have great difficulty in eating it. By the time he gets back to his car the mechanic has arrived and is already looking  under the bonnet for the problem.

"it looks like you have blown a seal" said the mechanic.

"no, I’ve just eaten an ice-cream" replied the penguin.

 

 

Our hero goes to the vets with his daughter’s rabbit who is a very sick.

 

"I'm afraid I will have to put it to sleep."

 

"You can't do that, my daughter will be terribly upset.  I demand a second opinion."

 

"That your right," the vet whistles and a large black labrador enters, he looks at the rabbit and shakes his head.  "All right?"  Says the vet

 

 "No, I need another opinion."

 

At this point a tabby cat enters, looks at the rabbit and shakes his head.  At this point the rabbit takes a turn for the worse and dies.

 

Our hero turns to the vet and asked him what the charge is for his time.

 

"That will be £300."

 

"Don't be ridiculous, I was only here a few minutes. ”

 

“ But you had a cat scan and a lab report."

 

 

 

Scene:- Butcher`s Shop

 

A  dog  enters  the  shop carrying a basket in its mouth, it puts

down  the  basket  and  takes out a note and gives it to butcher;

 

Two pounds best steaak says the note, the butcher thinking he can

trick  the  dog tries to give it stewing steak--the dog barks and

growls  till  it  gets best steak.  He then tries to give the dog

short  weight  but  it  starts barking and growling again.  After

the  dog  catches  him  when  he  tries  to  short change it, the

butcher is so impressed he follows it home.

 

After  half  a mile or so the dog puts down the basket, stands on

its  hind  legs  and  undoes the gate, picks up the basket, shuts

the gate, walks to front door and rings the bell.

 

The  door  opens  and  out comes a bloke, he grabs the basket and

kicks the dog.  The butcher leaps forward and says:

 

"Why did you kick him, a clever dog like that"

 

"He forgot his bleeding key."

 

 

 

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over again.  One problem: The captain's parrot saw the show each week and began to figure out how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

 

 "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"

 

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

 

Then, during a fierce storm, the ship sank. The magician found himself on a small piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

 

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another.  Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

 

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole in the ground, when  her neighbour peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,

 

"What are you doing there Nancy?"

 

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up,"and  I've just buried him."

 

The neighbour was very concerned.

 

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

 

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because  he's inside your f---ing cat."




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